If that's what it takes

I have Tori Amos stuck in my head. The song 1000 Oceans is pretty appropriate to my current state

It's been a string of bad days lately, yesterday being the worst. I am completely overwhelmed by missing my father and I have no idea how to deal with any of this. Any advice and support is greatly appreciated.

thanks.



Too close to home

Just when I was starting to feel better things started to close in on meand get too heavy again.

I am supposed to be house-sitting for my mom while she is on a lovely cruise with her best friends but last night when the internet wouldn't work and I was left sitting in a den full of pictures my dad used to keep on his desk at work and the books he used to read and the ashtrays he collected and it just felt too real. All night I tossed and turned and when I woke up Michael and I were both grumpy.

I emailed my mom and let her know the dogs would be fed and interacted with but I wasn't up to sleeping there.

My love follows you where you go

More wishes than a thousand hearts can count for you
More smiles than a merry-go-round
The sweetest ending to a bed-time story told
My love follows you where you go
More laughter than a kindergarten out to play
One Sunday morning song that says it all
More summer than a California beach can hold
My love follows you where you go
Future like a promise - and you're a city of Gold
Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul
Seeing you stand there - staring at the unknown
I won't pretend that it's not killing me
Watching you walk away slow
Take forgiveness - take a prayer - take the deepest breath
Take the answers in your heart
When you wake up and the world is cruel and cold
My love follows you where you go
Future like a promise - and you're a city of Gold
Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul
Seeing you stand there - staring at the unknown
I won't pretend that it's not killing me
Watching you walk away slow
More freedom than a field of flowers in the wind
More beauty than a morning after rain
Up the steepest hill - a dark and crooked road
My love follows you where you go
Future like a promise - and you're a city of Gold
Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul
Seeing you stand there - staring at the unknown
I won't pretend that it's not killing me
Watching you walk away slow

(thanks to my sister for telling me about this)

Update:

-Been a little too quiet lately.

-Having nightmares a lot.

-Work is exhausting emotionally and mentally, despite what one may think.

-Gaining more and more weight.

-Right on the verge of a creative outlet but it is all about timing.


None of these things are positive. It is hard to find positives when all you feel is overwhelming, even the small stuff can knock me down lately. I'm really missing my dad a lot right now and my brother. I wish I had more to say, more to share, something happy but lately I'm keeping all those moments to myself to stay sane and survive.

Maybe, maybe, maybe?

Lately things have been kind of crappy for everyone in Wildhaus. The cats are fighting, the dishes are never quite done, the roses are lonely and Michael and I are both just down in the dumps most days. To combat this cloud of gloom hanging over us we have been having slap fights(only playful of course), trying out new recipes and just trying to relax and take things as they come. The biggest problem is we both can only help each other so much, we can only offer so many jokes or hugs or smooches and it's never really enough or it can never really lift that cloud. 

I have to say that Michael helps pull me out of the panic attacks and nightmares and moments when it is all just too much but I don't think I can offer that to him no matter what I do (or don't do). I am struggling with this, I keep hoping something I do will help but so far I'm not getting the results I'm hoping for but it isn't about me, is it? I just wish I could give to Michael the relief he offers me anytime I need it, even if I don't recognize that I need it. I am trying to accept that maybe he doesn't need that sort of attention or support from me. Maybe he just needs me to stand back, relax and let him do this on his own.

Maybe?

Changes...

It is no surprise to anyone around me when I make an impulsive decision especially after a traumatic event so the fact that lately I am itching to cut all my hair off after two and half years and growing it out is only a surprise and mildly upsetting to this guy...

also may or may not be one of my most favorite pictures

When Michael and I met my hair was just a little past my chin and I figured if I was going to be dating someone with hair much, much longer than my own I needed to start growing my own hair out ASAP and that is what I have been doing ever since.

Today was one of the first times in the past two and half years I thought "Maybe long hair just isn't for me", and when my sister and best friend confirmed that short is just a little more me I started to get that nervous excited feeling that usually comes up when I am starting to consider making a big change and then I brought it up to Michael. He was not nearly as excited by the idea of me chopping off all my locks and not that I am one to ever do something or not doing something solely based on one person I felt like maybe I should wait it out (and I may or may not still be terrified to cut all my hair off). So the compromise was to wait til the end of summer. I am going to go get my hair done at this length and see if I can fall in love with long hair and if not by the end of the summer I am going to cut it. Fair enough, right?

dream haircut

What would you do?

Big Brudda



"do i look pretty when i do this?"

 Today is Paul's (my big brother) going away party/bbq. I am working at 5:30am so I can be there but the jury is still out on how I feel about him leaving. I supported the decision up til this last week when it started to set in and now I just feel bummed about it. I love my brother and I want him to go out and live his life but I kind of wish he wasn't going so far away and that he wasn't leaving right now.

He'll be driving out to Chicago to start his new life on Monday. I will miss him (a lot).

Where'd ya get those peepers..?

Instead of writing about how sad I still get some days and how I know I will always get sad some days I thought I'd share something kind of funny...

According to Wikipedia Jeepers Creepers is a horror film about two siblings on their way home for spring break that end up having a run in with an ancient demon "The Creeper" who survives on human body parts to form its own body and if you want to know the rest just look for it on VH1 or TBS oooorrrrr rent it.

So a few years ago when I still lived at home I'd watch TV with my Dad at night because my mom has worked graveyard shifts or had to be at work super early my entire life so Dad and I watched would usually TV while she slept. And when I say we would watch TV I really mean Dad would read and semi pay attention to whatever was on unless it was a sporting event ie a Dodgers game. So Jeepers Creepers was on TV and we both had never seen it so we decided to watch it or I decided and he obliged because he wasn't really going to watch it. It started out pretty typical, two kids driving and arguing but then it started to get really scary and we both started to get a little freaked out. In the end Dad and I got so freaked out we had to turn it off only like 20 minutes into the movie and then of course we had to laugh at each other for a good ten minutes and I didn't finish the movie til a few months after that.



this was as far as we got in the movie...real scary huh?



The movie was on TV last week and I remember that and laughed a lot while I wrote it down in my memory book.