suck it

This week sucked, the last two days expecially have not been great days but instead of focusing on that I am going to try and cheer myself up with a list of things that do not suck.

1. My family

2. Michael

3. Sydney

4. Pizza Parties
5. Iced Tea

Thats all I got.

"love songs"

My sister and I were recently exchanging text messages about Adele and love songs in general and she said something along the lines of  "I can smell a love song post", so I am a high jacking the idea and doing my own.

Dad taught me a lot about music and I can pretty much pin-point his influence on my own musical taste. He liked a lot of country, folk, classic rock, jazz, funk, and blues. My itunes has Garth Brooks, Van Morrison, Fleetwood Mac, Michelle Shocked, Tracy Chapman, Led Zeppelin, James Taylor, Jackson Browne and maybe even a little Steely Dan(also thanks to Bridget) right along side my weird modern young and hip music. I do have a few very, very favorite songs that are the direct result of my Dad and that's what I wanted to write about today...

1. Van Morrison-Into The Mystic

I remember the first time I heard this song like it was yesterday. I was watching Patch Adams on TV with Dad and there is a scene where Patch Adams and Carin are talking and this song is playing in the background. I remember this only because my dad said "This is one of my favorite songs", and then it became one of mine. I don't think I'll ever be able to hear this and not remember that night, that small moment.

2. Los Lonely Boys- More Than Love

This song reminds me of my Mom and Dad and the wedding my sister and brother and I gave them for their 25th wedding anniversary. My sister and I sang an Allison Krauss song because we couldn't find the karaoke music to this song. I still wish we could have sang this for two reasons A. They both loved it and B. I probably would have sounded a lot better.

3. Tracy Chapman- Unsung Psalm

Anyone who was at the service knows that we added the lyrics to this to the funeral card. It was so fitting and appropriate for my Dad and he always loved Tracy Chapman and this song.

4. James Taylor- Fire and Rain



The last few days of my fathers life were spent with his family and friends surrounding him and my small ipod playing a lot of James Taylor. I haven't really been able to listen to any of that music since that week but I know someday it will make me smile to remember him and I singing along to those songs.

That's all I can do for now. This was a lot harder to write than I expected

Sound advice

Apparently there is a secret handbook on how I should be doing this.

Lately I have gotten a lot of advice on how things should be looked at or the way I should be approaching my life now. Too bad none of it is valid to my individual situation. Too bad everyone is different. Too bad no one has any idea how this feels for me and never will.

One of the hardest things about this is moving on with my life, continuing with the day to day activities. My job has been the biggest hurdle. I work in a call center for a travel company and I deal with a lot of angry people and people who want to argue with me on every single thing I say. I do my best to get through it and just go home but everyday (especially since my dads death) gets harder and harder. I am trying really hard to just let things roll off my back but my emotions are heightened and I am way more sensitive right now.

This is not directed at anyone in particular, I am just venting.

inconvenience

When my Dad first went into the hospital I was stockpiling strength and telling myself I needed to be prepared and when things started to look worse and then even worse and when we knew this was it,  I felt like I was ready or as ready as I could be. I felt prepared for the following days but I kept waiting for the crack, the crumble, the devastation to set in. I walked away from the hospital on the Thursday he passed away and even though I drank a little too much and made a few phone calls I would later regret I still didn't crumble. Everyday I woke up feeling okay and maybe even strong. It's been 3 weeks and now I am falling apart left and right. Tears are pouring out me and there is no way to turn them off. I feel weak and sad most of the time and when I start to feel better I feel guilty and frustrated. I had two weeks to get through the worst part of this. I had bereavement and PTO and patience and support but the first two weeks were not the worst, this is the worst part. I was ready for this two weeks ago and I am not ready now. It is a great inconvenience.

so far

So my day started out okay but it ended up being the worst day so far...

My sister and I were texted each other, talking about how sad this all is and I just lost it at work. I was sobbing in between calls, sniffling my way through booking shows tickets and comps and after about 30-45 minutes I had to get out of there.

I made Dads spaghetti for dinner, curled up next to Michael and watched a funny movie. I still feel pretty awful but a little bit better.

Everyday this gets more and more real so everyday my heart breaks more and more. I am not cut out for this journey. I am not prepared for grieving my father but here I am in the thick of it.

Wish me luck.

St. Patricks Day

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Last night I spent most of the night drinking and laughing with my mother, brother, Michael and then my Dads best friend and his wife and their son (aka Uncle Tic, Aunt Vonda and my cousin Andy). A good time was had by all and Tic bought a beer and left it on the bar for Dad. I drank a green Stella in honor of my pops.

The night before was not as good. Michael and I had a date night and I ended up crying into my abita purple haze beer because we were at theYardhouse and that reminded me of all the times I went there with my mom and dad, everything was reminding me of him that day. Michael scooted into my side of the booth and put his arm around me, offered me his hankie and everything seemed a little better.

It just sucks...

There is really no other way to describe this situation, experience, journey.

It has been less than a month since my Dad died and I am searching for the fast forward button so I can get through this. I know there is another side to grieving. I know this will all be okay and get better someday but I am not ready for the process. I just want to get through to the end.

Lately anytime I let myself think about my Dad my mind will wander back to the day he died and its all replayed in, in slow motion. Is this normal? Is my brain out to destroy me?

A close family friend lost his father less than a year ago and he told my mom, "It just sucks".

I couldn't agree more.

last night

Last night sucked.

 I was sitting on my couch watching Heavy on A&E and I started missing my Dad and started feeling like I should get my stuff together and go visit him in the hospital and then I remembered that I could no longer do that so I sat and cried into my sleeves and then I had a dream about him dying and I woke up freaking out.

Last night sucked.

Today has been better.

changed my mind

I started this blog thinking I would want to write in it everyday, write about all the things I was feeling or thinking but...I just don't want to. I don't feel like it matters enough.


Here is what I feel today: sad and shocked and okay and then sad and shocked and okay all over again.

The service and wake were on Saturday 3/12 and the whole time I kept waiting for my Dad to walk up to me and put his arm around me and ask me what was wrong. It was weird.

I won't go into the drama of Saturday, overall things went very well and Dad would have been pleased.

I miss him but I still don't feel like he is really gone.

p.s.
I just lurked some blogs, some friends and family and I have decided that I am exactly where I was supposed to be when all this happened. Does that make sense? I know that the people in my life were kept here and/or added in so that I would be surrounded and supported properly, so that I would have the right music and the right amount of hugs and open ears. My faith is always tested when I lose someone I love and this was no different but it all just kind of hit me that God  has always made sure I would be taken care of and he did a great job. Okay, enough. Go read something more interesting.

Babysteps

I have been fairly quiet about this whole situation but I figured I should start talking or typing or whatever, right?

Don't answer that.

My dad died at 2:20 in the afternoon on Thursday (3/3/11). What a a weird thing to type out, right?

Don't answer that.

I want to write about how he went very peacefully with his children and wife around his bed and his brothers and sisters and father and nephew in the room but it didnt feel peaceful to me. It felt like and feels like someone ripped a small hole in my chest and everyday it gets a little bit bigger. Cliche?

Don't answer that.