tumblr took over

erinboogie.tumblr.com

I should keep writing in here but all I ever write about is sad stuff and who wants to read that?

Maybe I'll come back, maybe I won't.

lately

I was reading one of the many wedding blogs I follow and there was an entry on wedding invitation wording and what is proper and what is not. I read some examples and almost all of them used someone along the lines of ...

Mr and Mrs. Soandso invite you to

the marriage of their daughter

Blahdiblah Soandso

to

Joe Schmo

and with that first line it felt like someone sucked all the air out of my lungs. There will be no Mr and Mrs, no first dance, no wedding toast from my dad. So when people wonder why i am still having a hard time its things like this...

father's day 2011

A coworker came up to my supervisor today and asked if he could go home because his mother was dying and she had asked to see him and my heart broke. I was thrown back into the days before my father passed away when I'd agonize over the hours spent at work and away from the hospital and I'd sit at my desk red eyed and puffy from crying in the bathroom all afternoon. Today is such a shitty day, I wish the world could turn off days like today to people like me and my family. I know that sounds so selfish but how else can I feel? I miss my dad so much today.

this was fun.

Father's day

One day I hope this won't always feel like someone is punching my in the chest but my dad would have loved this card.

basically

PRB weekend and I'll be at a metal show

I am feeling very un-punk rock right now. Maybe some Against Me! will help?

Are you feeling more P.F.R. now?

 I know I am!

This girl

I may never be thin enough, pretty enough, tall enough, I may never impress you with my wit or sense of humor, I may never love metal or punk rock or indie music enough, I will probably never dress the way you think I should or the way you might BUT at the end of the day I know who I am and what I want out of life and who loves me and who I love and some people may never be able to say that.

I am 5'4" on a good day and teetering on the edge of happy and miserable with my weight. I am an aspiring zombie make up artist and (hopefully soon) beauty school student (round two). I am in love with Michael James Wild. I am the youngest of 3, born on the 3rd. I am a mean, spiteful, funny, loud, Disneyland loving, kind, beautiful, big hearted, singing, movie quoting, lost, happy girl. I will never be what you expected or hoped for. I am a daughter, sister, best friend, aunt, lover, h8r, jerk, sweetheart, bitch and beauty and I'll never stop evolving.

 I am Erin Elizabeth Borgos whether you like it or not.

weddings and a birthday

Oh my!

Last night Michael and I attended Kyle's wedding reception. It was lovely. They looked so happee! The food was good, cupcakes delish and the candy bar was a major bonus. I would give this wedding a solid 10 and not just because we really love those two. His wife is a doll and looked so beautiful. I have to say my favorite part was her maid of honor wore this really pretty yellow dress and it reminded me of Belle in Beauty and The Beast but I could be suffering from Disney overdose in preparation for my birthday trip.

Speaking of birthdays, mine is on June 3rd and that is only a few days away. Who is excited? This girl! I've been buying myself birthday gifts over the past few days, mostly make up but I am debating on buying myself the live recording of the Coheed & Cambria show we saw in LA a few weeks ago, we'll see. I've also been seeing other things I would like for my birthday incase any one is interested...

karmaloop.com under disney couture

forever21 giftcard. simple enough, right?

maccosmetics.com-pink lemonade

maccosmetics.com viva glam cyndi  lipglass

sephora giftcard

sephora.com - urban decay afterglow blush in crush

I promise I am not expecting all these gifts but this is just an easier method of providing a list for those friends and family members who are asking and I like posting pictures of make up on my blog. No biggie.

I'll hopefully be reviewing my latest cosmetic purchases on the birthday trip and posting them here.

p.s.

This guy and I love eachother. A lot.

9 years

So the LA slash 9yearsinthemaking roadtrip was F-U-N.

We stayed at the Royal Pagoda Motel in chinatown in LA and I loved it. It was right in the heart of Chinatown and they let us check in super early which always wins points with me. We decided to eat at the 101cafe after we had checked in and showered and dolled up. The cafe overall was a let down. They screwed up my grilled cheese and we got a lot of dirty looks from all the hipsters and punk rock kids. Walking around Hollywood was fun like always. We browsed the used and new dvds, cds and records at Amoebia and fell in love with the Hollywood Tour apartments.

The show was...amazing. It was nothing like I had expected but still so perfect. We stood in line for 3 hours and then they played for 3 hours (okay like 2 and 1/2 hours) but it was so fun. We sang and laughed and screamed and danced and the next day I felt old but so content. I can't really explain everything that happened and how happy I felt despite my voice cutting out, my entire body aching and Michael having quite possibly the worst letterman moment ever, it was still such an amazing night.

The art exhibit at The Geffen was so, so, so good. Some pieces were heart breaking, some were hilarious and I am glad we all went and saw it. Also Chocolate Almond Pocki is worth 2.50 as long as you don't lose it when you get home.

We had so much fun and in a few days we're all (with the addition of my awesome Mom) going to see Mickey and eat churros and laugh and try to make my birthday as good as possible despite everything else going on in our world. I cannot wait.

p.s
growing up was your birthday a big deal? is it a big deal now?

Birthday

My 24th birthday is in...18 days and a wake up! These are the things I've been dreaming about for my birthday....not pictured is a trip to Disneyland and the Tim Burton exhibit at LACMA, a family bbq with swimming and tritip, my joes jeans hemmed to ther perfect length, maybe a new tattoo oh and a Kindle





forever21.com size med



urbanoutfitters.com







amazon.com







forever21.com





forever21.com size large



urbanoutfitters.com



karmaloop.com



urbanoutfitters.com sz med.



 karmaloop.com

tomshoes.com

urbanoutfitters.com sz med



urbanoutfitters.com. sz 7



forever21.com











 ps i added a few more things and the websites where they can be found as per my best friends request.











Dads birthday 2011

I want to tell you about the road trip, about the drive down and the awesome motel in china town or about standing in line for 3 hours to guarantee my best friend and I could sing along and throw our fists in the air to the same words we were falling in love with 9 years ago. I want to tell you about all of this but all I can think about is how much I miss my Dad today and how unreal it is that he is no longer here to celebrate his birthday or any birthday ever. I wanted to call his phone and leave a message singing happy birthday or go buy him some new board shorts like I did for almost every birthday before this one. I tried so hard to pretend it wasn't killing me all day but once I gave in to what I was feeling it felt so much easier to just cry if i needed to or laugh if it felt right. I wouldn't have survived had I not been surrounded by my best friend and Michael. I know he would have been so proud of the Cadillac margaritas and Santana playing in the restaurant. So Happy Birthday Dad, wherever you are, I miss you and love you.

p.s. this was written last night on Dads actual birthday but I wasn't able to get it up til today.  I promise I'll write a happy entry and post some pictures from the road trip soon.

when I lose control...

Sometimes someone else can say what you wanted to say so much better than you could have or atleast this has been true for me more than once.

"Cause I don't want to lose your hold on me."

Good for you, GOOOOD for you.

this is not a representation of the Bride and Groom

Today I will be attending my very good friend Bridgets wedding reception and I cannot wait.

I have known Bridget since I was in 6th grade when I was borderline obsessed with her style. She has always been one of the most stylish people in my life. I am so excited for her and her soon to be husband! Everyone around me is getting married or having babies and for once I don't feel that slight (or maybe sometimes severe) feeling of jealousy. I know Bridget deserves the very best and she has finally found it, how could I ever be anything but full on stoked for her? I love her a lot and I cannot wait to see her today (and of course see her dress!)



Also in 4 days and a wake up I will be driving to LA with my best friend and the love of my life and then standing in line for a million hours and then seeing my most favorite band of all time play my most favorite cd of all time 9 years after I saw them for the first time with my best friend. I. Am. So. Excited.

I need to focus on all the positive. Stop looking out at the lonely ocean and see the sun. Don't give up on me, I'll find my way through this.



this was taken at the show 9 years ago



together we can burn this place down...

this is for my best friend.

chin up.

If that's what it takes

I have Tori Amos stuck in my head. The song 1000 Oceans is pretty appropriate to my current state

It's been a string of bad days lately, yesterday being the worst. I am completely overwhelmed by missing my father and I have no idea how to deal with any of this. Any advice and support is greatly appreciated.

thanks.



Too close to home

Just when I was starting to feel better things started to close in on meand get too heavy again.

I am supposed to be house-sitting for my mom while she is on a lovely cruise with her best friends but last night when the internet wouldn't work and I was left sitting in a den full of pictures my dad used to keep on his desk at work and the books he used to read and the ashtrays he collected and it just felt too real. All night I tossed and turned and when I woke up Michael and I were both grumpy.

I emailed my mom and let her know the dogs would be fed and interacted with but I wasn't up to sleeping there.

My love follows you where you go

More wishes than a thousand hearts can count for you
More smiles than a merry-go-round
The sweetest ending to a bed-time story told
My love follows you where you go
More laughter than a kindergarten out to play
One Sunday morning song that says it all
More summer than a California beach can hold
My love follows you where you go
Future like a promise - and you're a city of Gold
Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul
Seeing you stand there - staring at the unknown
I won't pretend that it's not killing me
Watching you walk away slow
Take forgiveness - take a prayer - take the deepest breath
Take the answers in your heart
When you wake up and the world is cruel and cold
My love follows you where you go
Future like a promise - and you're a city of Gold
Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul
Seeing you stand there - staring at the unknown
I won't pretend that it's not killing me
Watching you walk away slow
More freedom than a field of flowers in the wind
More beauty than a morning after rain
Up the steepest hill - a dark and crooked road
My love follows you where you go
Future like a promise - and you're a city of Gold
Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul
Seeing you stand there - staring at the unknown
I won't pretend that it's not killing me
Watching you walk away slow

(thanks to my sister for telling me about this)

Update:

-Been a little too quiet lately.

-Having nightmares a lot.

-Work is exhausting emotionally and mentally, despite what one may think.

-Gaining more and more weight.

-Right on the verge of a creative outlet but it is all about timing.


None of these things are positive. It is hard to find positives when all you feel is overwhelming, even the small stuff can knock me down lately. I'm really missing my dad a lot right now and my brother. I wish I had more to say, more to share, something happy but lately I'm keeping all those moments to myself to stay sane and survive.

Maybe, maybe, maybe?

Lately things have been kind of crappy for everyone in Wildhaus. The cats are fighting, the dishes are never quite done, the roses are lonely and Michael and I are both just down in the dumps most days. To combat this cloud of gloom hanging over us we have been having slap fights(only playful of course), trying out new recipes and just trying to relax and take things as they come. The biggest problem is we both can only help each other so much, we can only offer so many jokes or hugs or smooches and it's never really enough or it can never really lift that cloud. 

I have to say that Michael helps pull me out of the panic attacks and nightmares and moments when it is all just too much but I don't think I can offer that to him no matter what I do (or don't do). I am struggling with this, I keep hoping something I do will help but so far I'm not getting the results I'm hoping for but it isn't about me, is it? I just wish I could give to Michael the relief he offers me anytime I need it, even if I don't recognize that I need it. I am trying to accept that maybe he doesn't need that sort of attention or support from me. Maybe he just needs me to stand back, relax and let him do this on his own.

Maybe?

Changes...

It is no surprise to anyone around me when I make an impulsive decision especially after a traumatic event so the fact that lately I am itching to cut all my hair off after two and half years and growing it out is only a surprise and mildly upsetting to this guy...

also may or may not be one of my most favorite pictures

When Michael and I met my hair was just a little past my chin and I figured if I was going to be dating someone with hair much, much longer than my own I needed to start growing my own hair out ASAP and that is what I have been doing ever since.

Today was one of the first times in the past two and half years I thought "Maybe long hair just isn't for me", and when my sister and best friend confirmed that short is just a little more me I started to get that nervous excited feeling that usually comes up when I am starting to consider making a big change and then I brought it up to Michael. He was not nearly as excited by the idea of me chopping off all my locks and not that I am one to ever do something or not doing something solely based on one person I felt like maybe I should wait it out (and I may or may not still be terrified to cut all my hair off). So the compromise was to wait til the end of summer. I am going to go get my hair done at this length and see if I can fall in love with long hair and if not by the end of the summer I am going to cut it. Fair enough, right?

dream haircut

What would you do?

Big Brudda



"do i look pretty when i do this?"

 Today is Paul's (my big brother) going away party/bbq. I am working at 5:30am so I can be there but the jury is still out on how I feel about him leaving. I supported the decision up til this last week when it started to set in and now I just feel bummed about it. I love my brother and I want him to go out and live his life but I kind of wish he wasn't going so far away and that he wasn't leaving right now.

He'll be driving out to Chicago to start his new life on Monday. I will miss him (a lot).

Where'd ya get those peepers..?

Instead of writing about how sad I still get some days and how I know I will always get sad some days I thought I'd share something kind of funny...

According to Wikipedia Jeepers Creepers is a horror film about two siblings on their way home for spring break that end up having a run in with an ancient demon "The Creeper" who survives on human body parts to form its own body and if you want to know the rest just look for it on VH1 or TBS oooorrrrr rent it.

So a few years ago when I still lived at home I'd watch TV with my Dad at night because my mom has worked graveyard shifts or had to be at work super early my entire life so Dad and I watched would usually TV while she slept. And when I say we would watch TV I really mean Dad would read and semi pay attention to whatever was on unless it was a sporting event ie a Dodgers game. So Jeepers Creepers was on TV and we both had never seen it so we decided to watch it or I decided and he obliged because he wasn't really going to watch it. It started out pretty typical, two kids driving and arguing but then it started to get really scary and we both started to get a little freaked out. In the end Dad and I got so freaked out we had to turn it off only like 20 minutes into the movie and then of course we had to laugh at each other for a good ten minutes and I didn't finish the movie til a few months after that.



this was as far as we got in the movie...real scary huh?



The movie was on TV last week and I remember that and laughed a lot while I wrote it down in my memory book.

suck it

This week sucked, the last two days expecially have not been great days but instead of focusing on that I am going to try and cheer myself up with a list of things that do not suck.

1. My family

2. Michael

3. Sydney

4. Pizza Parties
5. Iced Tea

Thats all I got.

"love songs"

My sister and I were recently exchanging text messages about Adele and love songs in general and she said something along the lines of  "I can smell a love song post", so I am a high jacking the idea and doing my own.

Dad taught me a lot about music and I can pretty much pin-point his influence on my own musical taste. He liked a lot of country, folk, classic rock, jazz, funk, and blues. My itunes has Garth Brooks, Van Morrison, Fleetwood Mac, Michelle Shocked, Tracy Chapman, Led Zeppelin, James Taylor, Jackson Browne and maybe even a little Steely Dan(also thanks to Bridget) right along side my weird modern young and hip music. I do have a few very, very favorite songs that are the direct result of my Dad and that's what I wanted to write about today...

1. Van Morrison-Into The Mystic

I remember the first time I heard this song like it was yesterday. I was watching Patch Adams on TV with Dad and there is a scene where Patch Adams and Carin are talking and this song is playing in the background. I remember this only because my dad said "This is one of my favorite songs", and then it became one of mine. I don't think I'll ever be able to hear this and not remember that night, that small moment.

2. Los Lonely Boys- More Than Love

This song reminds me of my Mom and Dad and the wedding my sister and brother and I gave them for their 25th wedding anniversary. My sister and I sang an Allison Krauss song because we couldn't find the karaoke music to this song. I still wish we could have sang this for two reasons A. They both loved it and B. I probably would have sounded a lot better.

3. Tracy Chapman- Unsung Psalm

Anyone who was at the service knows that we added the lyrics to this to the funeral card. It was so fitting and appropriate for my Dad and he always loved Tracy Chapman and this song.

4. James Taylor- Fire and Rain



The last few days of my fathers life were spent with his family and friends surrounding him and my small ipod playing a lot of James Taylor. I haven't really been able to listen to any of that music since that week but I know someday it will make me smile to remember him and I singing along to those songs.

That's all I can do for now. This was a lot harder to write than I expected

Sound advice

Apparently there is a secret handbook on how I should be doing this.

Lately I have gotten a lot of advice on how things should be looked at or the way I should be approaching my life now. Too bad none of it is valid to my individual situation. Too bad everyone is different. Too bad no one has any idea how this feels for me and never will.

One of the hardest things about this is moving on with my life, continuing with the day to day activities. My job has been the biggest hurdle. I work in a call center for a travel company and I deal with a lot of angry people and people who want to argue with me on every single thing I say. I do my best to get through it and just go home but everyday (especially since my dads death) gets harder and harder. I am trying really hard to just let things roll off my back but my emotions are heightened and I am way more sensitive right now.

This is not directed at anyone in particular, I am just venting.

inconvenience

When my Dad first went into the hospital I was stockpiling strength and telling myself I needed to be prepared and when things started to look worse and then even worse and when we knew this was it,  I felt like I was ready or as ready as I could be. I felt prepared for the following days but I kept waiting for the crack, the crumble, the devastation to set in. I walked away from the hospital on the Thursday he passed away and even though I drank a little too much and made a few phone calls I would later regret I still didn't crumble. Everyday I woke up feeling okay and maybe even strong. It's been 3 weeks and now I am falling apart left and right. Tears are pouring out me and there is no way to turn them off. I feel weak and sad most of the time and when I start to feel better I feel guilty and frustrated. I had two weeks to get through the worst part of this. I had bereavement and PTO and patience and support but the first two weeks were not the worst, this is the worst part. I was ready for this two weeks ago and I am not ready now. It is a great inconvenience.

so far

So my day started out okay but it ended up being the worst day so far...

My sister and I were texted each other, talking about how sad this all is and I just lost it at work. I was sobbing in between calls, sniffling my way through booking shows tickets and comps and after about 30-45 minutes I had to get out of there.

I made Dads spaghetti for dinner, curled up next to Michael and watched a funny movie. I still feel pretty awful but a little bit better.

Everyday this gets more and more real so everyday my heart breaks more and more. I am not cut out for this journey. I am not prepared for grieving my father but here I am in the thick of it.

Wish me luck.

St. Patricks Day

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. Last night I spent most of the night drinking and laughing with my mother, brother, Michael and then my Dads best friend and his wife and their son (aka Uncle Tic, Aunt Vonda and my cousin Andy). A good time was had by all and Tic bought a beer and left it on the bar for Dad. I drank a green Stella in honor of my pops.

The night before was not as good. Michael and I had a date night and I ended up crying into my abita purple haze beer because we were at theYardhouse and that reminded me of all the times I went there with my mom and dad, everything was reminding me of him that day. Michael scooted into my side of the booth and put his arm around me, offered me his hankie and everything seemed a little better.

It just sucks...

There is really no other way to describe this situation, experience, journey.

It has been less than a month since my Dad died and I am searching for the fast forward button so I can get through this. I know there is another side to grieving. I know this will all be okay and get better someday but I am not ready for the process. I just want to get through to the end.

Lately anytime I let myself think about my Dad my mind will wander back to the day he died and its all replayed in, in slow motion. Is this normal? Is my brain out to destroy me?

A close family friend lost his father less than a year ago and he told my mom, "It just sucks".

I couldn't agree more.

last night

Last night sucked.

 I was sitting on my couch watching Heavy on A&E and I started missing my Dad and started feeling like I should get my stuff together and go visit him in the hospital and then I remembered that I could no longer do that so I sat and cried into my sleeves and then I had a dream about him dying and I woke up freaking out.

Last night sucked.

Today has been better.

changed my mind

I started this blog thinking I would want to write in it everyday, write about all the things I was feeling or thinking but...I just don't want to. I don't feel like it matters enough.


Here is what I feel today: sad and shocked and okay and then sad and shocked and okay all over again.

The service and wake were on Saturday 3/12 and the whole time I kept waiting for my Dad to walk up to me and put his arm around me and ask me what was wrong. It was weird.

I won't go into the drama of Saturday, overall things went very well and Dad would have been pleased.

I miss him but I still don't feel like he is really gone.

p.s.
I just lurked some blogs, some friends and family and I have decided that I am exactly where I was supposed to be when all this happened. Does that make sense? I know that the people in my life were kept here and/or added in so that I would be surrounded and supported properly, so that I would have the right music and the right amount of hugs and open ears. My faith is always tested when I lose someone I love and this was no different but it all just kind of hit me that God  has always made sure I would be taken care of and he did a great job. Okay, enough. Go read something more interesting.

Babysteps

I have been fairly quiet about this whole situation but I figured I should start talking or typing or whatever, right?

Don't answer that.

My dad died at 2:20 in the afternoon on Thursday (3/3/11). What a a weird thing to type out, right?

Don't answer that.

I want to write about how he went very peacefully with his children and wife around his bed and his brothers and sisters and father and nephew in the room but it didnt feel peaceful to me. It felt like and feels like someone ripped a small hole in my chest and everyday it gets a little bit bigger. Cliche?

Don't answer that.