inconvenience

When my Dad first went into the hospital I was stockpiling strength and telling myself I needed to be prepared and when things started to look worse and then even worse and when we knew this was it,  I felt like I was ready or as ready as I could be. I felt prepared for the following days but I kept waiting for the crack, the crumble, the devastation to set in. I walked away from the hospital on the Thursday he passed away and even though I drank a little too much and made a few phone calls I would later regret I still didn't crumble. Everyday I woke up feeling okay and maybe even strong. It's been 3 weeks and now I am falling apart left and right. Tears are pouring out me and there is no way to turn them off. I feel weak and sad most of the time and when I start to feel better I feel guilty and frustrated. I had two weeks to get through the worst part of this. I had bereavement and PTO and patience and support but the first two weeks were not the worst, this is the worst part. I was ready for this two weeks ago and I am not ready now. It is a great inconvenience.